From Thurman W. Arnold, III, Esq.:
We all want the same things. We want to be treated fairly – to share equal dignity and respect. We want our children to grow up with a minimum of pain, baggage, and dysfunction, and most of us would prefer not to pass our divorce legacy to the next generation. Once we know what we don’t want, we may find what it is we do want. We may recognize how destructive emotional reactivity can be. We see, especially in the early stages of relationship breakup and divorce how at times we are in some trance where the best part of us has taken a vacation and Golum is running the asylum. In those moments we need to ask, “what is my best hope and intention for this divorce and the people affected by it?”
Feelings of hurt and worry in divorce are reasonable and natural. It is unnatural and even a cause for concern if people don’t want to protect themselves. It is just really important to consider that there may be a linkage between fear and what the destructive, ultimately self-defeating reactivity of fear causes. What to do then?
There are several things that can be done immediately:
- First, find a licensed therapist to ground you. We don’t climb our way out of these boxes alone, and it is suicidal to believe we will. But “I don’t need a therapist!” Well, you married him or her almost certainly without any marriage advice beforehand, and it doesn’t seem to be working. Ask yourself: Was I crazy then, or now?
- Second, think about what your divorce should look like, and what you would want your relationship with this person to look like five or ten years from now.
- Third, at least consider embarking upon an investigation of forgiveness of the other person and perhaps even yourself.
- Fourth, consider finding a collaboratively trained lawyer even if you don’t have a collaborative case. These collaborative professionals tend to be extensively trained in managing conflicts that can have a positive spill-over even into difficult contested cases. They are a highly motivated bunch and they do what they do out of love and true compassion for the suffering of others. Find a lawyer who not only deeply understands the law of marital and non-marital breakup, but who also understands the human part of the experience and expresses a commitment to guiding you through your case with the minimum of conflict. He or she can support your highest values, without sacrificing your financial safety.
Read more at Cutting Edge Law.
ABC Collaborative Divorce Blog 
Posted on July 23, 2013
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