A Better Divorce > Collaborative Divorce with a Child Specialist: Your Children’s Best Interest First

Posted on August 11, 2013

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From David Kuroda, LCSW:

PUTTING YOUR BEST FOOT FORWARD V. BEING HONEST ABOUT ONE’S LIMITATIONS

A father, who may want to hide his ignorance of an infant’s needs during an evaluation, presents himself differently in collaborative divorce, and is more likely to be honest and seek the recommendation of a child specialist. It’s like being in a classroom and the teacher asking if everyone understands. We’re afraid to admit we don’t know if the consequences hurt. With the child specialist in collaborative family law, the parents know we’re there to help, not to judge. Because there is no report submitted to the court, parents are free to discuss their fears and concerns, without the fear that their admissions will be used against them.

THERAPISTS V. COACHES

Therapists don’t always help in a divorce case. Well, a correction. They help the person, but they may not be helpful in the divorce process. A professional therapist was going through her own divorce. Her husband was strong and assertive; she was considerate and often put his needs ahead of hers. During her therapy, her therapist had been helping her to become more assertive. Her husband hadn’t picked up his clothes as promised, so she decided to act. She told him to come and get his clothes. He didn’t respond immediately, so she issued a confident ultimatum. “If you don’t come to get your clothes by Saturday, I’m going to dump them on the driveway.” Her therapist was proud of her; she was proud of herself. Sure enough, her husband didn’t respond to her request, so she dumped his Armani suits and Ferragamo shoes in the driveway. He planned on picking up his clothes Sunday morning, but late Saturday night, it rained. A coach would have given her better advice. Coaches care about personal growth but they care more about a good divorce and happy children.

Coaches in collaborative law help parents work out their differences and promote the behaviors that result in agreements and resolution. They listen to the story of the divorce as background for understanding the dynamics of the relationship, and help parents do the things that are necessary to resolve disputes not exacerbate them. Although our proximity to Hollywood might lead one to think we are a city of happy families and happy endings, there are many unhappy families who end up in divorce. A father who was particularly upset at the prospect of paying child and spousal support to the mother of his children, the same wife who was having an affair, was helped through the process by his coach. Coaches help parents deal with the difficult emotions of divorce. The goal is not insight as much as it is to help the parents get through the divorce while maintaining respect and dignity.

Read more at A Better Divorce.

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